The Hogwarts Supreme Goddess
by Arachnomadness
Summary: One dazzingly beautiful and talented Ravenclaw. One excessively sarcastic second year. One clinically insane blueblooded, greenhating Slytherin. One inhalertoting gangsta honey. One lovesick nerd in punk's clothing. One freaking hilarious story. It's an i
1. Chapter One

"Hogwarts is gonna be the bombdiggity off da heezy fo rizzle, yo!" a girl in a plaid jumper and thick glasses greeted Alex as she entered the otherwise deserted compartment aboard the Hogwarts Express.

"Uh…represent," replied Alex, running her fingers through her freshly straightened brown hair. An awkward train ride soon followed, disrupted by the occasional "Get krunk!" which was always followed up by Alex giving the clearly confused girl the finger.

The compartment door suddenly opened without warning.

"Oh! Is this the Hogwarts Express?" a boy with a strongly Korean accent inquired. Alex rolled her eyes. The gangsta honey knew just what to do, though.

"Fo shizzle dis is the Hogwarts Express, homedawg!" she exclaimed, adjusting her glasses.

The boy's hand flew directly to his head, moaning as if he had a headache. "Oh! You're confusing me!" he screamed, running out of the compartment in anguish, presumably to throw himself out of the nearest window.

Alex had never been so impressed in her life. "How did you do that?" she marveled.

"Shoot, it was nothing, homeslice," she said, braids jumping up and down with the movement of the train. Alex reconsidered her short-lived admiration for the girl. The train then pulled into the station.

"Oh yeah, we in da hood now!" the strange girl announced as Alex tried to avoid choking on her own spit while stifling her laughter.

"By the way, g, I'm Emily. But da boys back in da hood call me Laqueesha," she proclaimed while pulling out her inhaler.

Alex raised her eyebrow, trying to figure out what to make of the girl. "I'm Alex."

Emily nodded in acknowledgement. The train pulled to a complete stop. Alex and Emily awkwardly waved goodbye to each other and got off the train, Alex mentally adding up how many days she would be stuck with the geek with the ghetto booty for. It was a sad, sad day for Alex indeed.


	2. Chapter Two

Chapt. 2

The first years gathered around the door separating them from their soon-to-be-determined fates. Emily was trying to put as much distance between her and Alex as possible after the small nearly-getting-pushed-out-of-the-boat incident. The doors opened. The students marched into the room, single file, with the enthusiasm of a prisoner on death row walking to the electric chair.

In just a few short minutes, they were all in the room, lined up alphabetically. Alex patiently waited her turn, trying to ignore Emily's freestyling about all the spells she learned over the summer.

Alex's name was called. She took a deep breath, and walked towards the Sorting Hat. She climbed onto the stool. The hat was brief in its decision as it proclaimed her a Ravenclaw. She jumped off the stool, flipped her hair, and made her way to the table of sugar-high students clad in blue.

She sat down at the nearest empty space on the bench, refusing to establish eye contact with anyone. She heard a David Kim being called up. She looked to her right, towards the line of anxious first years and saw the Asian destined to be responsible for at least eight bizarre ritualistic killings in twenty years or so.

David was caught completely off-guard. "What'd I do!" he asked, completely bewildered. Surprisingly, the kid behind him was actually able to understand what the hell David was saying. He politely told David it was his turn to be sorted. David climbed onto the stool. In just a few seconds, he was christened a Slytherin. Alex was loving the irony.

She turned her head, refusing to acknowledge the existence of any of the other Ravenclaws occupying the table. She was just about to get intimate with the design of her shoes, until someone caught her eye. She looked straight ahead.

Sitting across from her was a boy, in his second or third year. He was freakishly tall and towered over all the other Ravenclaws at the table. Eye contact was established. Alex felt as if she was Maria in West Side Story, except there weren't any racially motivated gang leaders trying to tear them apart. They stared at each other for a while until Alex finally looked away.

The feast began. Alex shoveled food into her mouth as quickly as possible, just wanting to get into the dormitory as soon as possible. Finally, a Prefect escorted the new first years to the common room. Alex rushed up to the girls' dormitory. And so ended her very first day as a student at Hogwarts.


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter 3

The students filed into Professor Snape's room with expressions as grim as a pro-lifer with a miscarriage, with the exception of Alex who had a mildly interested smirk on her face derived from watching David fight every homicidal maniac's intense hatred of green.

"I HATE GREEN!" he shouted, startling even the tougher of the first years. Even Professor Snape looked slightly bewildered at the Korean fellow's outburst. He regained his composure and snarled at the petrified students.

"Take a seat," he growled. Incredibly intimidated, the Ravenclaws and Slytherins scrambled to find seats. Alex was fortunate enough to find herself seated next to David. David was clawing at his robes with one hand, and holding his head in agony with the other. Alex was rolling her eyes. And Snape began the lesson.

"Today we will be working on a new concoction I've brewed up. You will be trying out your potions on the person unfortunate enough to be sitting next to you."

Alex felt her blood run cold as a thousand conspiracy theories ran through her head. Alex knew he hated first years, but not quite that much. Or maybe David had some freaky Korean control spell cast on Snape in order to get rid of Alex once and for all. Or it was possibly just all in her head, but she doubted that possibility. As she pondered, Snape continued.

"The desired effect of this potion is mind-blowing happiness. The necessary ingredients are Splenda, dehydrated monkey urine, ground rhinoceros beetle carcasses, and Viagra."

The entire class started tittering at the mention of the V-word. Alex rolled her eyes yet again. Exactly what was so hilarious about Viagra? While Professor Snape was trying to regain control of the class, Alex added in her ingredients, and made a perfect potion with just a few slight alterations, and concentrated on tying her shoelaces just right while the rest of the class made disgusted faces at the monkey pee. Finally, Snape called for the testing.

Alex hesitantly tried David's oddly-colored brew. She turned a violent shade of green and puked right then and there, all over the dungeon floor.

It was then David's turn. As soon as Alex's potion touched his lips he was curled up into the fetal position and tears of melancholy and angst fell from his face. Once the tears were done pouring, he got back up, and began to write.

_My life sucks_

_It's so hard to be me_

_You have no idea what it's like_

_Pulling all B's_

At this point the class was roaring with laughter. Snape was absolutely infuriated.

"What have you done to him!" he screamed. Alex could almost see the steam coming out of his ears. Alex contemplated her response, then opened her mouth.

"It's not my fault, Professor. He has blue blood, so it's no surprise that my potion, which was perfect, had an opposite effect on David there."

Snape's rage deepened. "I'll see you in detention tonight, Miss Johnston." He walked off, a smug smirk creeping across his visage, and dismissed the class.


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter 4

As Alex slowly walked out of the classroom, trying to savor the memory of Professor Snape trying to talk David out of killing himself, a crazy blonde wearing a leather jacket over her Ravenclaw robes let out a battle cry and jumped on David, kicking him with her punk rawk steel-toed boots. At this point, Alex was sold. She walked up to the girl with the foot-high mohawk and extended her hand.

"I'm Alex."

The girl let go of David and hopped to her feet. "Ilsa," she said, grabbing Alex's hand with a grip like a vice. Alex felt her hand throbbing from the lack of circulation. Finally, her undeserving hand was liberated.

"So I saw you do quite the number on David there," Alex stated with genuine impression in her voice.

"Eh, I just thought he'd be fun to beat up on after seeing him freak out at the Sorting Ceremony," she shrugged.

"I know what you mean," Alex agreed. "I just had Potions with him. Apparently he can't take a little altered happiness potion without trying to hang himself right there in the classroom.

And so the two girls formed a mutual respect for each other. Ilsa invited Alex to sit with her at lunch. Alex gratefully accepted. And so they walked arm-in-arm to the Great Hall, with smirks laced with venom.


End file.
